Top Ten Ways to Use your Upcoming Vote to Punish your Children

I wrote this for the 2000 year elections, but considering all the hoopla about the 2008 Presidential race already under way, I thought it appropriate to share these now. I remain hopeful that someone somewhere might benefit from it, despite a decade of proof to the contrary.

1. Always view elections in term of the immediate present. After all, you are the one who has to live with who you vote for, right? Don’t let those “long-term vision” freaks get to you. The next four years is probably going to be the best four years of your life, and you don’t want to go through them knowing you supported a LOSER, do you?

2. Vote for anyone who can win immediately. Do you want your kids to think you voted for a LOSER? Remember, they can always do that “principle” thing when they turn 18 and move out on their own.

3. Take whatever a candidate says at face value. If he says he is a Christian, then he must be one. Are you supposed to judge men’s souls? Come on!!!

4. Make sure you view your comfort as a high priority. Always vote against candidates who will “persecute Christians”, no matter who their opponent is. Surely, your kids will understand that you had to be comfortable as a father if you were to raise them in peace and love.

5. Disregard a candidate’s past history. Being a Senator or Governor is nothing compared to the Presidency. No doubt his past behavior will change once he is given a more awesome responsibility. The office alone will probably impart great and mighty wisdom to a seemingly once inept man.

6. Create lofty reasons for not voting for virtually unknown candidates. Mary Kay was right when she said God wanted Christians to be rich, so why would you vote for some guy with hardly any media exposure? He probably is outside the will of God!

7. Be sure and think hard about the issues. Be pragmatic and use a large complicated chart put out by multi-million dollar Christian organizations. This will ensure that you vote for the only clear choice. Don’t worry if some of the candidates aren’t listed on the chart. We can’t be experts on everything, can we?

8. Remember, it’s all about winning. When you realize that you are voting out of fear of the “other guy”, look around the polling room and remember why you are really there — to WIN. Don’t be a chicken now and start using your conscience. Now is the time to dig in your heels and punch that ballot card. Proudly wear an “I voted” sticker for the next few days to work, so you can tell your co-workers how “keen” and “insightful” you were to vote for the WINNER.

9. Be patient; redemption will come. If anyone asks you why you didn’t vote for another candidate who is more closely aligned with your Christian views, remember that Jesus had to tolerate Judas Iscariot for a while, too. The time will come when your WINNING candidate will do something good and you will be able to cast off that so-called friend back to the land of LOSERS where he came from. If possible, get a newspaper article about the event to frame so you can show your children that you had your reasons for voting how you did.

10. Burden your children with the same myopic world view you have. If your kids pleadingly ask you one day why you didn’t have more faith in God by voting for someone who is righteous and wise, remind them that we are all sinners. Make no mention of what you really knew before you voted. Make it seem to them that you just did the best you could with what you knew. Don’t let them know you failed in anyway, because that would make you a LOSER and everyone knows that LOSERS are hardly respected by anybody, except sometimes Jesus, but he has been dead a long time now, and we have to live in the real world of power and politics. Your kids will understand eventually when they have their own children and have jobs that give them comfortable means. Then they’ll know how wise you were not to rock the boat. Assuming their are any boats left to rock in the new world order that you subjected your children to by your faithless voting.

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